pledges

I have decided to make myself a pledge, and in this way I will free myself. I have decided to call off boys. The talking about them, thinking about them, eagerness to talk to them, until the end of the summer. Granted, when I say boys, I really just mean the one I'm interested in. I don't go around dreaming and thinking of tons of boys. hahaha.

In this way I have promised myself a time of focus. I will focus on me. Where I need to go with God, what I need to process through. I will focus on my paintings--I have a lot to learn in this area and I finally have tons of time to do it. I will focus on my writing--an area of my life which I love, but I am horribly lacking in.

I have realized I have so much to offer the world, myself, and God, but I don't focus on it. I don't work with it to make it better, and because I do this, I am doing a disservice to us all. Not that I'm all fabulous and the only one who is amazing. We all are--if we push ourselves to be completely ourselves. If we aren't pushing then we are all doing a disservice to everyone else.

So, I've made myself a pledge to push. A pledge to stop spending wasted effort on guys or self loathing, on watching a zillion movies and doing nothing. I pledge to push myself to figure out myself, to make the world better because of what I put into it. I pledge to be creative and spend time with people who make me feel great about myself. I will open up and really try and get to the root.

The root is where it's at.

the harlot

I have this problem.

I call it my harlot heart. It's not something I like about myself, and even though I try and change it--somehow it never seems to go away.

Outside of emotion and longing, I know without a doubt that the love of God is the most incredible, amazing, trustworthy, never failing, beautiful love I will ever have. It fills me up to the top and spills over making my heart, and my life, and my dreams come alive in ways I couldn't have ever imagined. It is part of what keeps me content, it refocuses me, grounds me, gives me purpose. It's priceless--and it's mine, forever!

Some days this love, so rich and true and deep, is enough for me. In truth, it is always enough, but some days I don't feel like it is. Some days I want a love story in this world, this life time, so bad I cry. My heart seems so lonely and sad, my dreams unfinished, parts of myself are abandoned by the rest of humanity, and I sit alone wondering if I will ever take part in a love story of my own.

Weddings and babies pour through my homepage. I am genuinely happy for these people. They deserve it, just like I do, and they've got it. They've got precious people to hold onto for the rest of their lives. People that everyday play a part in their story of life, bringing joy and depth, sorrow and kinship. I long for a love story, but mostly I long for someone to be in my life--with purpose, passion, sincerity, and loyalty.

As I live, with part of me waiting--the part that will love like a wife, and care like a mother--I feel like a harlot to my God. I know I could die today and never care that I never married or had children, but as long as my life rumbles around this world, part of humanity, part of existing, I will always long for it.

I pray that the days where the love of God is stronger than this desire will outnumber the days where I feel the vacancy so strong it hurts. I feel complete when I'm not paying it any attention.

Three days in

I feel a renewed zeal for life. I am taking charge of my weight and eating habits. Which I have pitifully maintained my entire life. Zumba last night was amazing, and I forsee it becoming a regular sweaty fun time in my future.

I think I really need some time to be single and enjoy life. Adding a man to the mix is just too much for me. That sounds horrible and slightly depressing, seeing as how I want to be loved and cared for, but not at the cost of losing who I am, and until I can figure out how to keep all that I am and have a man too, I have to choose myself just to stay sane and happy. I have been happier these past three days than I was the entire month and a half I was with Andrew. I felt more like myself last night at Zumba cracking up with Lindsey and Julie, dancing crazy and shaking my butt.

I have missed myself. Is that possible?

What kind of person am I? That I can lose myself just because a man comes into my life. And I LOVE being me, and yet I sacrifice myself, pretty much unconsciously and willingly, and then wonder why I am so miserable while I'm pretending to be happy. I have got some issues to clear up before any kind of healthy relationship can be formed.

the "its" of this world

If you haven't read this book you really should.

I read it when I was younger and I reread it tonight. It takes about 2 and a half hours, a pretty quick read.

I am reminded of why I love those that are unloved. It is such an incredible story.

I signed up to volunteer some months ago at an orphanage here in Anderson. They have yet to get back to me, and well, I really haven't had the time to get back to them between all my exam preparation and job hunting/freaking out. I do need to contact them, though. I really want to be a part of kid's lives--especially the kids that aren't loved well. It's something I have always wanted to do.

I think as a person that's who I'm attracted to (as people in general). My heart goes out to the ones I know are outcasted and pushed aside because they're weird, or they talk funny, they are just odd. Everyone deserves to be loved and I want to love them well.

I will contact the orphanage ASAP. I will let you know what happens!!