The Nerves

once again my life has changed quickly.

i have a boyfriend.

my family is barely holding itself together.

i'm getting a promotion at work, which will actually make me work first, second, and third shifts whenever the job calls for it... but hey it's a stepping stone and more money.

for some reason--i have been freaking out about life lately. i can't seem to make decisions. i can't decide anything. i'm tired of all the drama with my current roommate but i'm hesitant to leave. i love having a boyfriend that cares for me and helps with my life, and speaks honestly and has a loyal heart, but... i miss being just me.

i had a good conversation with my dad last night that really helped. He said that God made me to praise Him. i know, i know, that's not ground breaking news, but for some reason i feel like if i don't go kill the enemy and save all that i can, sacrifice my life, become Mother Theresa, join a convent, etc.... if i don't do these things in some strange way I feel like my life will be meaningless and I will disappoint God. i don't know how or when i started thinking these things, but deep down i do. I feel guilty if i'm not hurting for the Kingdom.

Am i meant to just work, have a boyfriend, move to a better place, and love my family?
Shouldn't I be galavanting through the jungle in hopes of a tribe, rebuilding broken homes, starving because others starve, and sacrificing everything so that in some way i feel justified??

my dad says praising God is the whole point anyway. We were made to praise Him. So, i guess for now I will praise Him with my promotion, boyfriend, new roommate, and crazy family. Somehow that calms my nerves down even if just a little.

stay with me

Okay, so this may not look like much at first, but stay with me.

Today in chapel we had this great speaker, but before that we had an amazing worship time. This girl came up on stage and painted while musicians sang and played. I watched as she painted--me being a painter myself, I was extremely interested. She began with a face, then a robe, you know--the typical Jesus garb. She continued to define features and hands and such (which does not show up well in the picture due to stage lights being turned off by the time i took the pic).

The part that got me was when she slapped and smeared the white at the bottom of the canvas. She was dressed in all black, down on her knees on the stage. She submerged her hands in buckets of white paint and smeared and slapped and smugged the white all across the bottom--so fast it was almost breathless. I don't know why this affected me so. It did something to me that made tears come to my eyes. The quickness of her gestures, the pure color of the white contrasting with the black, the message of his glory and shattered death.

It did something to me, I just can't describe. I guess that was the whole point. I loved it.