pledges

I have decided to make myself a pledge, and in this way I will free myself. I have decided to call off boys. The talking about them, thinking about them, eagerness to talk to them, until the end of the summer. Granted, when I say boys, I really just mean the one I'm interested in. I don't go around dreaming and thinking of tons of boys. hahaha.

In this way I have promised myself a time of focus. I will focus on me. Where I need to go with God, what I need to process through. I will focus on my paintings--I have a lot to learn in this area and I finally have tons of time to do it. I will focus on my writing--an area of my life which I love, but I am horribly lacking in.

I have realized I have so much to offer the world, myself, and God, but I don't focus on it. I don't work with it to make it better, and because I do this, I am doing a disservice to us all. Not that I'm all fabulous and the only one who is amazing. We all are--if we push ourselves to be completely ourselves. If we aren't pushing then we are all doing a disservice to everyone else.

So, I've made myself a pledge to push. A pledge to stop spending wasted effort on guys or self loathing, on watching a zillion movies and doing nothing. I pledge to push myself to figure out myself, to make the world better because of what I put into it. I pledge to be creative and spend time with people who make me feel great about myself. I will open up and really try and get to the root.

The root is where it's at.

i am lovely

In this silence I can hear myself think. The low gentle humm goes in and out like a deep breath that gives life. The rumble and melody of my fingers against the keyboard is like a song so gentle and sweet.

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I had a talk today with a very dear friend of mine--Kristie Koll. She is one of the rarities in life--a true friend, to the core, to the quick. I know she would die for me, and I would die for her, and to me, that's what makes a friend a real true friend.

She gets to me in ways no other friend can. God uses her to speak to me, so quick, so clean, like a piercing dagger stretching to the bottom of my heart. Through a conversation that lasted an hour and a half God used her voice to open my eyes to see that I need to do a little journeying. I need to take a walk within myself. I need to notice every nook and cranny. I need to see myself the way God made me, not the way I made me--not how I, with my skewed pathetic view, see myself, but how God Almighty with love and care, and intricate design, sees me.

I began a painting tonight. I am painting what I think God sees when He looks at me. Not the me that is skin and flesh, mostly pink with a little yellow. Not the me that is scarred by life's cruelty, it's repeating hatred and scorn. But I am painting the me that God, in a moment of true brilliance, spilled forth in my mother's belly. The me that was brand new, the me that will be again once I die, the me that lies within this flesh, shrouded always by humanity. I am painting the me inside me. It's invisible to my eyes, but there. It is beautiful, and soft, holy, and happy.

I have never before painted anything close to this. I've always painted things that were about other people, other issues, other, other, other. I have chosen to paint things detached from who I am. I did this unconsciously. I didn't realize I was avoiding me. I was too scared to paint me. What would you see when you saw it? You would hate it, I hated it, and I knew that if the world saw it they would burn it. They would burn the most precious part of who I am. That little treasure of self that sits inside, barely known to even you, it is so secret and beautiful--how could I share that without fear of it being torn to shreds and corrupted forever. Safer to keep it hidden, my subconscious told me.

But now, through God's revelation, I realize what I have done. I realize that through fear I have let myself be buried. I realize through trepidation I have resolved to only show shades and hints of who I am, testing the ground to see if matches have been laid.

I am learning. I am learning how to find myself and when I do to show others who I am. I am beautiful. I am honored. I am cherished, ravishing, and lovely.

I will paint this. I will paint this for you. I will paint this for me.

stay with me

Okay, so this may not look like much at first, but stay with me.

Today in chapel we had this great speaker, but before that we had an amazing worship time. This girl came up on stage and painted while musicians sang and played. I watched as she painted--me being a painter myself, I was extremely interested. She began with a face, then a robe, you know--the typical Jesus garb. She continued to define features and hands and such (which does not show up well in the picture due to stage lights being turned off by the time i took the pic).

The part that got me was when she slapped and smeared the white at the bottom of the canvas. She was dressed in all black, down on her knees on the stage. She submerged her hands in buckets of white paint and smeared and slapped and smugged the white all across the bottom--so fast it was almost breathless. I don't know why this affected me so. It did something to me that made tears come to my eyes. The quickness of her gestures, the pure color of the white contrasting with the black, the message of his glory and shattered death.

It did something to me, I just can't describe. I guess that was the whole point. I loved it.