coming home

I have been so far from Jesus for so long He almost feels like a stranger. Like your old aunt Betty you used to play dolls with or something. A long lost friend from grade school, or a teddy bear you cherished but lost. I hate that He feels this way to me. I remember when He was my everything. I would wake up praising Him, read about Him, listen to Him, sing to Him, dance with Him, I would journal and write to Him. I would talk out loud forever and ever with Him. I remember when He was everything to me.

I miss Him.

and it's all my fault.

My friend Sarah told me something very true the other day. She told me that I had forgotten about redemption. I was treating my betrayal like it was my final sentence--like there was no hope for me. The truth is, there is an abundant amount of hope for me. There is hope that He will once again be my cherished possession. There is hope again that I will ache for what He aches for and cry because of injustice and corruption. There is hope that I will delight myself in Him and nothing else. There is hope.

I need to remember Him in all my small moments. I need to remember Him the way I used to sneak away when I worked at Books A Million to read the Bible in the bathroom stall. I need to remember Him like when I used to pull the car over on the side of the road just to sing my heart out to Him and cry. Like how I would hike for hours just to sit in the woods and be in the quiet with Him, how I would dream of what He was like when He was here. How His hair was or, what kind of things he would say, or how He might say my name. I used to be so in love with Him--mesmerized by Him.

He is worthy. So worthy. It's me that's changed.

I need Him so much. I miss Him. I know it's a long journey to get back to where I was. The Prodigal Son had a long walk to get back home--but I know that my Yeshua is already running to me. I see Him over the hill, His arms stretched wide, the dirt flying from His feet, He can't wait to get to me.

and again--I can't wait to get to Him.

graduation

well, some exciting things have happened. the biggest--FINALLY graduating from college. yesterday i walked across the stage at AU, got my diploma, smiled for a picture, and returned to my seat a changed person. i no longer have the heavy cloud hanging over my head of graduating.

but

this changes everything.

what are my goals? where is my life headed? as long as i had that cloud over my head I had a goal i needed to accomplish, a destination in mind, i had somewhere to focus my energy. sure, i have several goals now, lots of small ones. heres' a few--

1. submit short stories for publishing
2. create an art show for Greenville (i've already talked to several of the artists and this should be happening around march of next year)
3. pay off lots of debt (i start my new job bright and early monday morning, so this is in the works as well)
4. make jewelry and sell it (i've got all the stuff, it's just a matter of doing it)
5. volunteer at an orphanage. (i've found one in town and have contacted them, they have not contacted me back, but they have an open house soon, which i WILL be at!! lol) i'm really excited about this one.
6. get involved at a church (NewSpring probably, i want to get involved in a small group too, which could be problematic since my new job will be second shift here soon).
7. advertise myself as a portrait artist and make art and sell it

So, as you can see i definitely have things i want to accomplish. The thing is--i woke up this morning and absolutely nothing made me get out of bed. i didn't have homework to do, a painting i had to work on, some place i had to be, there was nothing. i am not okay with this. i have to set personal goals and push myself to meet them. "without vision the people perish" and boy oh boy is God talking about me right there! without vision and purpose i lose all sense of where i'm at and what i'm doing.

yes i just accomplished two degrees that spanned five years of my life, shouldn't i be content? ha! if you think i could be then you don't know me. of course i'm proud of myself, but there are always taller mountains, bigger fish, a brighter purpose. for now my list of 7 will do, and within three years or so I hope to be in grad school. where? i have no idea. i'm sure that will come in time--because if you know me, i plan and plan and plan and then it always changes when that time rolls around. if i set my eyes on one place now it will change by the time i start applying. i'm looking though, and i have three or so places in mind. we shall see.

i can't believe my undergrad work is done. two degrees. five years and i'm finished.

the "its" of this world

If you haven't read this book you really should.

I read it when I was younger and I reread it tonight. It takes about 2 and a half hours, a pretty quick read.

I am reminded of why I love those that are unloved. It is such an incredible story.

I signed up to volunteer some months ago at an orphanage here in Anderson. They have yet to get back to me, and well, I really haven't had the time to get back to them between all my exam preparation and job hunting/freaking out. I do need to contact them, though. I really want to be a part of kid's lives--especially the kids that aren't loved well. It's something I have always wanted to do.

I think as a person that's who I'm attracted to (as people in general). My heart goes out to the ones I know are outcasted and pushed aside because they're weird, or they talk funny, they are just odd. Everyone deserves to be loved and I want to love them well.

I will contact the orphanage ASAP. I will let you know what happens!!

Money's Roll

So, I must say--money and I have had a really rough time staying friends. It seems that whenever I call on him he's gone--disappeared somewhere. Maybe hiding in a corner, but honestly, he's never there. I look.

Money disappears. I was watching a Michael Moore movie the other night with a friend, and well, it really got me thinking. He said that 1% of the American population has more money than the other 99% put together. There is something desperately wrong with that. There is no middle class anymore. The rich are extremely rich and everyone else is pretty much dyeing just to make it.

I was talking with a friend today and she was telling me about her family's financial situation. Her husband lost his job this year, his unemployment has not yet come through (although they've been waiting since January). Her son has to go to the doctor almost every two weeks. But mostly what broke my heart, was last night she was going to Wal Mart with (pretty much) her last ten dollars and she got in a wreck--totaling her car. If they don't pay their power bill in the next two weeks it will get turned off. They haven't paid a mortgage payment since January. They don't know how much longer they will be able to live there until they are kicked out (her, her husband, and her three children).

This was all too real to me. I dealt with a lot of this growing up. Power being turned off. Phones not working. Not enough gas to go anywhere, empty kitchen shelves. And honestly--it's not because my parents were bad people or because they were slack and stayed home all the time. My parent were out working till all hours of the night. My dad still works almost every day.

There is something terribly wrong with the system of American when 1% of the population is swindling the rest of the population out of money to even survive. What happened to the pursuit of happiness? One can't pursue happiness if working more than 40 hours a week won't even keep the power on. Even the lowest paying jobs need to supply enough for people to function on.

I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that for some friggin CEO to have 188 BILLION dollars in his bank account and for my parents to being going in the red every other day, for the poor to have a 15% tax rate and some government officials and high end financial guys to have only 5%, something's got to change.

All that to say--I really hope I get a job soon because growing up is very very hard. I'm totally willing to work 2 or even 3 jobs if I can to get my finances caught up, whatever it takes. I just need the jobs. God, please, please, give me a job.

The Family Reject

So I responded to some family news today rather harshly. Information was given to me that I probably should not have heard. In the spirit of shock and deep concern I made two phone calls and spoke in tones I wish I hadn't.

I do not understand my place in this problem. I am removed but my heart is not. I care deeply for those it concerns, and yet she is not my daughter. In all honesty I have no say in how to raise her, how to direct her or influence her. I can love her, but with a life that is so busy and far away, how much influence can I really have? It's so frustrating.

It is such a difficult place for me. I don't have my own family yet. I'm 24 and single... and I am the type of person to care deeply for those that are closest to me. I am burdened by the choices of my family. I care immensely to be a part of their days, their struggles and even their downfalls. I want to be there for them, but it's so hard when they all have their own families and units to work in. My unit involves them, but their unit doesn't involve me. Rejection sets in mingled with the removed sense of love I have for them.

Senior Show prep

I have seriously sacrificed all other classes for my senior show. This is ironic because I need every single class I'm in this semester in order to graduate with my two degrees. In French I'm supposed to have read at least half the book by now and in Modern American Fiction we're to have read an entire book--both of which I have not done. I stayed up till 7 am last "night" working on a painting. Today I started hanging my show and soon after I get offline I will start working on more of my show. I have an 8:30 class in the morning, so I'm not seeing much sleep in my future.

My show will be amazing. I'm already so proud of myself. There will be many pictures!

killing

I had to mail some postcards yesterday, so I ventured over to the post office on campus. While they were processing my order I noticed a small box to my right covered in bright yellow paper. It said something about a survey and there were bright yellow papers inside, so naturally -- I reached inside.

The survey was about the death penalty and asked whether students agreed with it, if it was a principle of christianity, and if they believed in it enough to merit the execution of their mother if she were ever convicted of murder. I was shocked at the number of people who circled yes for these questions, even the one about their mother. I only pulled 8 out, but seven of the eight circled yes for all and one circled no for all. I found this very odd.

Personally I'm not exactly sure what to think about the death penalty. I'm not sure what the right answer is, all I know is that it seems hypocritical. How is it right to kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong? I just can't understand how that is justified.

And I know that most christians on this campus would back it up with this Old Testament verse:

Exodus 21:23-25 (New International Version)

"But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise."

But what about this verse?


Matthew 5:38-40 (New International Version)

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well."



Jesus came to bring a new way of living. I'm not sure exactly what that means we should do for murderers. I don't exactly agree with letting them run loose with the potential and highly probability that they will kill again.

I just found it interesting that so many students were willing to kill... even their mother. Has a christian school really forgotten Jesus' own words?