coming home

I have been so far from Jesus for so long He almost feels like a stranger. Like your old aunt Betty you used to play dolls with or something. A long lost friend from grade school, or a teddy bear you cherished but lost. I hate that He feels this way to me. I remember when He was my everything. I would wake up praising Him, read about Him, listen to Him, sing to Him, dance with Him, I would journal and write to Him. I would talk out loud forever and ever with Him. I remember when He was everything to me.

I miss Him.

and it's all my fault.

My friend Sarah told me something very true the other day. She told me that I had forgotten about redemption. I was treating my betrayal like it was my final sentence--like there was no hope for me. The truth is, there is an abundant amount of hope for me. There is hope that He will once again be my cherished possession. There is hope again that I will ache for what He aches for and cry because of injustice and corruption. There is hope that I will delight myself in Him and nothing else. There is hope.

I need to remember Him in all my small moments. I need to remember Him the way I used to sneak away when I worked at Books A Million to read the Bible in the bathroom stall. I need to remember Him like when I used to pull the car over on the side of the road just to sing my heart out to Him and cry. Like how I would hike for hours just to sit in the woods and be in the quiet with Him, how I would dream of what He was like when He was here. How His hair was or, what kind of things he would say, or how He might say my name. I used to be so in love with Him--mesmerized by Him.

He is worthy. So worthy. It's me that's changed.

I need Him so much. I miss Him. I know it's a long journey to get back to where I was. The Prodigal Son had a long walk to get back home--but I know that my Yeshua is already running to me. I see Him over the hill, His arms stretched wide, the dirt flying from His feet, He can't wait to get to me.

and again--I can't wait to get to Him.

graduation

well, some exciting things have happened. the biggest--FINALLY graduating from college. yesterday i walked across the stage at AU, got my diploma, smiled for a picture, and returned to my seat a changed person. i no longer have the heavy cloud hanging over my head of graduating.

but

this changes everything.

what are my goals? where is my life headed? as long as i had that cloud over my head I had a goal i needed to accomplish, a destination in mind, i had somewhere to focus my energy. sure, i have several goals now, lots of small ones. heres' a few--

1. submit short stories for publishing
2. create an art show for Greenville (i've already talked to several of the artists and this should be happening around march of next year)
3. pay off lots of debt (i start my new job bright and early monday morning, so this is in the works as well)
4. make jewelry and sell it (i've got all the stuff, it's just a matter of doing it)
5. volunteer at an orphanage. (i've found one in town and have contacted them, they have not contacted me back, but they have an open house soon, which i WILL be at!! lol) i'm really excited about this one.
6. get involved at a church (NewSpring probably, i want to get involved in a small group too, which could be problematic since my new job will be second shift here soon).
7. advertise myself as a portrait artist and make art and sell it

So, as you can see i definitely have things i want to accomplish. The thing is--i woke up this morning and absolutely nothing made me get out of bed. i didn't have homework to do, a painting i had to work on, some place i had to be, there was nothing. i am not okay with this. i have to set personal goals and push myself to meet them. "without vision the people perish" and boy oh boy is God talking about me right there! without vision and purpose i lose all sense of where i'm at and what i'm doing.

yes i just accomplished two degrees that spanned five years of my life, shouldn't i be content? ha! if you think i could be then you don't know me. of course i'm proud of myself, but there are always taller mountains, bigger fish, a brighter purpose. for now my list of 7 will do, and within three years or so I hope to be in grad school. where? i have no idea. i'm sure that will come in time--because if you know me, i plan and plan and plan and then it always changes when that time rolls around. if i set my eyes on one place now it will change by the time i start applying. i'm looking though, and i have three or so places in mind. we shall see.

i can't believe my undergrad work is done. two degrees. five years and i'm finished.