to Eire divine

There's something you must know about me. I'm Irish. I wish I had been born there, raised there, had the accent, the issues, the homeland--all of it. On my father's side I'm from the O'Callahans, irish catholic royalty. On my mother's side I'm from the McKeowns, also irish catholic, but not royalty.

Although I have this heritage, the names, the blood, I don't have the homeland. Something deep within me misses it, yearns for it. One day I will go there. I will probably hug a tree, kiss the ground, and keep rocks in my pockets. I love it like you'd love the old house you grew up in, with all it's history and stories. With all the memories and treasures. I love it like a dream of something I once knew.

In my desperate attempt to be Irish, I read books, buy claddagh rings, irish knot rings, listen to old irish folk music, basically digest anything and everything humanly possible having to do with Ireland.

Most recently I read this book:



It is fantastic! Although the lady on the cover looks sadly more manly than she should, the book is filled with incredible stories of daring women, bold and sexy, willing to face death, women who stood up for what they believe in. These women are in some way my mother. They are the line I come from, the heritage I love, the sassiness within me (or lack of tact). I love these women, and I hope that someday I can look back on my life and know that I did a little of what they did.

I'm glad to be Irish with all it's tactlessness, passion, sincerity, charm, and charisma. The Irish name for Ireland is Eire.

To Eire is human, to Eire divine.

Tiny Pieces

I know, I know--thanksgiving blogs about thankfulness are cliche, but honestly, I can't help myself. Is there a better time of year to realize all the amazing things you have to be thankful for? I think NOT!

I saw my grandmother today. She was diagnosed with cancer three weeks ago, and as I hugged her and told her she looked beautiful I had the awareness to realize life for her, and life for all of us, may soon change. She is beautiful and strong, a woman that I respect and admire. Life has been hard to her, she's taken cruelty and abuse, and she stands strong. A much stronger woman than me.

I saw my beautiful niece today. When her two year old little heart tells me she loves me I cannot grasp the beauty of the moment, and I long to hear it again, so we tell eachother over and over and over, smiling and laughing. As soon as she is gone I wish she were back with me. I can't help but want to savor every second with her.

My brother's mental health seems to be doing better. He and I joke and cut up as always. We acted out "Feed the Birds" from Mary Poppins as it played on the TV. I love the fact that I can be myself with him, he loves me and accepts me, no questions, no games.

These are just tiny pieces of the beautiful life I have to be thankful for. Tiny pieces that make my life worth living, that make me keep breathing and loving. I thank God for all the pieces of my life that He gives me. Some are pretty and some are not, but they are all from Him, and I am thankful.

when today happens

Tonight I feel lost for words. I feel lost for home. I feel lost for a sense of clarity and peace and happiness. Mostly, I just feel lost.

A surreal sense of not knowing overwhelms me and I am a tiny leaf--floating down from the topmost branch of the tree. The ground is coming--slowly as I twist and turn, caught in the breeze, wondering when the hardness of the Earth will shatter me into awareness. I can't see past this muddled clarity of life.

There are no reasons here. No textbook for Dawn's life lying around. Every turn is a surprise--for better or worse. That turn is coming and when it comes whether I'm ready or not I'm there, watching the leaves fall, watching them burn, watching them be born again. This never ending cycle trudges on through hope and ashes, and there's nothing I can do to stop this. Nothing I can do to stop this heartbreak, to stop this bewildering tornado of days, nothing I can do to slow the seasons. They come and go as they please, passing me by, staining me with time.

In the middle of this I am still. I am alone. I am solemnly aware that I am powerless. The power belongs to someone else, and I am shaking, cold and frightened in a shower of disbelief.

fleeting

"I watched the rain beat down on the road outside and told myself that one day this would be twenty years ago." Bill Bryson

I am overwhelmed with the thought that life is fleeting. We are vapors, here today, gone tomorrow. Our lives are but glimpses into existing then gone forever. I suppose this is why I love cemeteries. There's something final when you are looking at a life that was lived, loved, and burried.

When I think about all this I realize that I am making a big deal out of small things. I am single--and every now and again my heart freaks out about this, but when I realize my life is only one small little piece of God's big beautiful story. This day, one day, will be a twenty year old memory, and I will realize why I had to wait, and I am sure it will be a wonderful blessing. I know I am waiting for a man worth waiting for. I have to keep my mind in the reality that my life is a small little breath of God's hugeness.

My body will one day die. My story will end. His life will last forever, and because I am a part of that, I will last forever with Him. My little problems are lost in the vastness of His reality. His story trumps mine every time. I need my eyes to stay focused on His.


Yeshua, Messiah, my Saviour
I know I get distracted
I know my thoughts get lost
it's hard to keep them steady,
my heart is so needy.
I wander and weave through
random mangled tangled longings.
I'm a kite in a storm
a bird lost in gusts of nothing
a child helplessly looking
for help from death.
Help me, Helper, I have nothing
that guides me, but you.

Surrey, what?

This is my latest book--Notes From a Small Island. Bill Bryson is quickly becoming one of my favorite authors. He is hilarious and quick to say what he thinks. He doesn't add a lot of fluff or randomness. His words are to the point, but well chosen.

This book is about his adventures traveling alone through England before moving back to the US. It's great because you see his experiences, the people that he comes in contact with, the rediculous circumstances he lets himself get in. Most England travel books talk a lot about details and destinations, but he talks about the small off the wall type places that he winds up in. I can buy a book about London anytime, but what about Bishops Itchington, Great Snoring, Felldownhead, Surrey Duck End, So. Yorks Killiecrankie, or Kilmahog. Now, these are the places I want to know about!

Pick it up or borrow it. I highly recommend it.

too much? not sure

So, I'm a little nervous. What if I have just overfilled my life--again!?!? I was the champion of putting too much on my plate when I was in college. My life has been pretty simple after graduating until now. All I had was work from 8 am to 4 pm then I could do pretty much whatever I wanted, for a while that was simply sleep.

Three weeks ago I joined a small group--the best decision EVER. I'm considering volunteering at the NewSpring Fuse for middle school that's on Wednesday nights. And the most recent, I'm getting a part time job at Books-A-Million. I used to work there like four years ago, and I remember loving it. I just finished an interview and if all goes well I'll start back soon.

I'm just nervous that I'm going to kill myself with being busy. That I'm not going to get enough sleep, that my body will get mad at me about it. That I'll spread myself too thin. I think I'll be alright, but we will see.

As for now... I'm excited about what this all could be. It could be great.

sun stand still

NewSpring tonight was amazing. Steven Furtick came and spoke. He is the lead pastor of Elevation Church in Charlotte, NC. It was amazing. He talked about the message of his book, Sun Stand Still, a reference to Joshua asking God to stop time--and God DID IT!

His message was refreshing and challenging. Am I really believing God for big things in my life? Am I asking God for the outlandish, the incredible, the things that only He can do? Would I ever ask God to stop the sun in motion, and would God by my faithful and fervent prayer actually comply?

I am so excited about where God is taking me. I have no idea exactly where that is, or exactly what it will be, but I am so excited! God has dreams for me, I know that. Jer 29:11 states it plainly. I have to believe again that He wants good things for me. In Matthew Jesus talks about how our earthly fathers give good gifts to their children, how much more will our Heavenly Father give good gifts to His children? I know God has amazing things in store for me.

Although, I am closer to God now that I have been these past two years, I still feel so far from where I was three years ago sitting around a fire with beautiful people living tangibly the sacrifice and closeness God calls us to with those that love Him. I want Jesus to be my bread and butter again--all that I need, all that I want, everything to me. I want to see Jesus, to know Him like I have never known Him before. I know He has not changed. He is still as amazing as ever. I desperately want to be His beloved and know His tenderness toward me. It will come, it will come with time. I will pray with fervency and pleading that He will wreck my life with His unyielding goodness and love, ripping life from my hands and giving me all that He has, with all grace and joy I know that will come with His overpowering presence.

Community

Alright, I know--I haven't blogged in over a month. I can't stand it! Internet at home in nonexistant and going to Books-A-Million all the time proves not a good idea for my wallet, but, alas, what must be done must be done.

Recently I have joined a NewSpring homegroup and I am so excited! We meet on Tuesday nights and last Tuesday we went bowling, and I thoroughly kicked everyone's butt, which I enjoyed and really didn't meant to, it just happened.

Mostly, I am just really excited to be back in a community of believers. People who are lifting each other up and loving each other. I am so pumped to be in that setting. To be eager to pray for people, sacrifice for people, try my hardest to love those that God has given me. I really hope I can play a big part in pushing the group to live sacrificially and lovingly with serious determination.

This week is our third meeting and I am ready. I almost wished we met more than once a week. I want it to be something more than just casual conversation and dreary boredom as we all think of something else besides each other. I remember what it was like to LIVE in community in Austin, and I desperately want that back.

Writing a book

Sarah Harris and I are writing a book. Get ready--because it's going to be amazing. We started brainstorming Monday.

I've always wanted to write a book, and who better to write it with than someone who is smart and funny, energetic, outgoing, and sincere. She's one of the best people I know, so this is going to be an amazing opportunity.

She and I have been friends for about four years now. We met in a Bible study about being princesses. It was so lame--I was teaching it. Don't judge me! =) haha. We all have those times in life where we wish we would have done it differently, but hey, I met Sarah, so I can't complain. She and I became fast friends because we are so much alike!

Our freshman year we had a math class together. She sat in the back, where she unashamedly texted her boyfriend all class, and I sat near the front(because I'm a nerd and was single, as usual). One day our teacher was late so our class sat in the hall waiting, the classroom was locked for some strange reason. I remember thinking she was so popular and awesome. She was wearing an RUF shirt with Proverbs 31 all over it. I was wearing some stupid layered tank top thing. She says she remembers thinking I was so popular because I was artsy and could pull of weird clothes like that (to tell you the truth, I never think I pull them off well, I just do it anyway, cuz I want to, and I dont care). She thought I was so cool because everyone passed and said hey to me and knew my name. So, we both thought the other girl was really awesome, but never actually talked to eachother. Weird girls.

But I'm glad we had that strange princess bible study together because if not I would never have become friends with Sarah, and my life would have been missing many amazing adventures and memories. I'm excited to see where writing this book together will take us. All I do know is that it's going to be amazing and we are going to have SO MUCH FUN!

Three days in

I feel a renewed zeal for life. I am taking charge of my weight and eating habits. Which I have pitifully maintained my entire life. Zumba last night was amazing, and I forsee it becoming a regular sweaty fun time in my future.

I think I really need some time to be single and enjoy life. Adding a man to the mix is just too much for me. That sounds horrible and slightly depressing, seeing as how I want to be loved and cared for, but not at the cost of losing who I am, and until I can figure out how to keep all that I am and have a man too, I have to choose myself just to stay sane and happy. I have been happier these past three days than I was the entire month and a half I was with Andrew. I felt more like myself last night at Zumba cracking up with Lindsey and Julie, dancing crazy and shaking my butt.

I have missed myself. Is that possible?

What kind of person am I? That I can lose myself just because a man comes into my life. And I LOVE being me, and yet I sacrifice myself, pretty much unconsciously and willingly, and then wonder why I am so miserable while I'm pretending to be happy. I have got some issues to clear up before any kind of healthy relationship can be formed.

better dreams

As I sit typing this... I am at my parents, recently single.

I knew better in the first place. I did, truly. You always know better when you question it from day one. I was side swiped with his overwhelming pursuit of me. I had never before experienced that. I was shocked that he cared so much... cared so much, but not for long.

It was short--a month and a half. Not very long in terms of relationship growth. It's true. There were not many days, but there were a lot of dreams. He helped me dream, and I dreamed with him, scared but eager. A girl will always find enough strength to dream.

It takes a while to get to know someone. To truly realize who they are. I didn't know him enough at the beginning, I trusted him without knowing. I was scared, but went ahead. I followed his lead, don't we all?

I'm not upset that it's over. I deserve better. I know it. I knew it before it started, and I know it now.

A girl finds healing when she comes back to the place she grew up. I sat outside in the woods, where Nicky, Richard, and I used to play when we were little, and just cried. Not because I lost him, but because I had lost yet again. A certain resolve came over me then--as I stared at the square of wooden forest floor where the tree house used to be. It's rugged boards and street signs, the place of my imagination, the birth of my domestic dreams. I am still that little girl, I have not lost myself, I have not lost anything. I have gained a new beginning, a starting point where better dreams can spring up. I have an amazing opportunity to once again make my life what I've always wanted it to be.

It's Gold Goldman

At the great recommendation of a friend I was instructed to read this book. I had seen the movie once, and so I knew I was in for a dazzling experience.

Goldman does not disappoint with his editing of Morgenstern's The Princess Bride. It is hilarious and lovely. I was on daring chases and madly in love the entire way through.

It's good to remember that Morgenstern was the true genius; however, what Morgenstern failed to do (cutting back!) Goldman did. From the comments Goldman made, it seems that he nearly cut 2/3 of the book out, which makes me wonder what the heck was in those parts? Goldman hints at it--a bunch of lineage, history, and boring detail of parties and hats and dresses. Quite strange that Morgenstern can write a wonderfully funny and captivating story and then put 15 pages of details of hats in a book ad think it's going to go over well.

Thank you Goldman, because of you a new generation can love Inigo, Fezzik, Buttercup, and Westley.

Not so hot Legion

I rent this movie under the impression that it was going to be amazing.

I was wrong.

This movie had a lot of potential, but lived up to nearly none. The one thing it did do well was acting and graphics. The story was completely flat. It had no details to back up why the plot was doing what it was doing, or where it was going, or even what was going to happen when you got there.

All in all I was extremely disappointed because it had so much potential and fell so flat.

The Nerves

once again my life has changed quickly.

i have a boyfriend.

my family is barely holding itself together.

i'm getting a promotion at work, which will actually make me work first, second, and third shifts whenever the job calls for it... but hey it's a stepping stone and more money.

for some reason--i have been freaking out about life lately. i can't seem to make decisions. i can't decide anything. i'm tired of all the drama with my current roommate but i'm hesitant to leave. i love having a boyfriend that cares for me and helps with my life, and speaks honestly and has a loyal heart, but... i miss being just me.

i had a good conversation with my dad last night that really helped. He said that God made me to praise Him. i know, i know, that's not ground breaking news, but for some reason i feel like if i don't go kill the enemy and save all that i can, sacrifice my life, become Mother Theresa, join a convent, etc.... if i don't do these things in some strange way I feel like my life will be meaningless and I will disappoint God. i don't know how or when i started thinking these things, but deep down i do. I feel guilty if i'm not hurting for the Kingdom.

Am i meant to just work, have a boyfriend, move to a better place, and love my family?
Shouldn't I be galavanting through the jungle in hopes of a tribe, rebuilding broken homes, starving because others starve, and sacrificing everything so that in some way i feel justified??

my dad says praising God is the whole point anyway. We were made to praise Him. So, i guess for now I will praise Him with my promotion, boyfriend, new roommate, and crazy family. Somehow that calms my nerves down even if just a little.

An Education

An Education


Let me begin by saying--Nick Hornby (High Fidelity, About A Boy, Fever Pitch, A Long Way Down) is one of the greatest writers of all time. This movie, whose screen play was written by Hornby, is breathtakingly amazing. Some movies feed you Hollywood bull, fake dreams, and anything but reality. Hornby, in all of his work, shows the trueness of life. He is honest about what we live in, how we live, and what people do to each other. He is stunning.

This movie made me want to go to grad school tomorrow. I want to be an amazing writer. I want to change people's lives through the stories I share. I want to write about life--it's beauty and heartbreak, it's raw and relentless ache. I want to show people that life is hard--and beautiful.

I need to focus.

If I am a writer then I need to write! There's no getting around that. If I want to know about Chaucer, Blake, and Poe; Dickens, Achebe, and MacDonald then I had better read them, not just WANT to know, want to read, I had better DO it.

Movies like this light a fire in me. They make me want to live my dreams.

I want to write stories like this.

Gone With The Wind

Emily: That books is supposed to be just like Gone With The Wind.

Dawn: ugh.... i hate Gone With The Wind

Andrew: How could you hate Gone With The Wind???

Dawn: (in hysterically gross southern accent) oh Rhett! Rhett! .... it's just disgusting

Andrew: I've never understood why you hate the south so much.

Dawn: I wish I had been born anywhere but the south.


-- it's true. All true.

magic

i raked the yard tonight with lightening bugs. They danced around me and made the night magical. Thank you little beautiful bugs you make my life better.

Where did you say again?

I had two deep and fabulous conversations today. Both with wonderful friends--Eric and Lauren. We all have similar hearts--I feel.

Well, the conversations consisted of "What in the world are we doing with our lives?" ... and honestly... none of us know.

It's a strange and stupid thing about growing up where no one really knows what the heck they are doing or where they even want to go. We have vague thoughts and random notions... but nothing definite.

One of my friends (Kat) said that I was fearless. I was talking to her about moving to London, and she said I could do it because I have no fear in life. --NO FEAR IN LIFE?-- Are you serious? I suppose the only fear I have in life is missing out on the beautiful possibility of deep and caring relationships.

Right now I'm bouncing between ideas of Seattle, North Carolina, and London for grad school. I have no idea where I will go. None of us do--we just end up there all the same anyway. I want to do what I love. I want to be loved. I want to make a difference. I want to change the world. I want to write. I want to dance, and sing, and be sexy. I want to dare to be different, and laugh a lot. Dream big and keep secrets. I want to raise amazing children and love my husband well.

See... I know what I want to do. Now.... where.... where should I go do it?

Gym Survivor and Book Junkie

Good news!!! I have been going to the gym faithfully (so far!). And I'm loving it. As bad as it sounds -- I love the personalized TVs they have on the elipticals and tred mills. it sounds so information hog or too "I can't do anything without some form of entertainment"... but honestly--I Dream of Genie, Friends, and The Office really helped get me through my hot, sweaty, red faced, breathless hour and a half at the Y today. I could have done it without them, but it was lovely (seeing as how I NEVER watch TV anyway).

I'm just not used to it. College rules your life for so long you forget how to be normal and watch TV and stuff.

So, the gym is good.


On another note--

I have bought an insane amount of books since school let out (and having a full time job helped! haha). The sad thing is I don't have enough time to read them! Which makes me really sad, but I have stopped going to Books A Million because of this very reason. I probably haven't even read half the books I own. This doesn't make me mad at myself. I buy books like some girls buy shoes or purses or dresses, earrings, whatever. Books are my thing. Here's proof.



On my night stand are seventeen books. You obviously can't see all of them here. and i'm not counting the journal on top or the notepad hidden in the back. i am a book junkie. and i love it. it makes my life lovely.

a good gym omen

I joined the YMCA today... again.

I worked out for 25 minutes on the eliptical. 1.75 miles. 200 calories.

I call this a great step in the right direction---that was---until the power shut off and thunder shook the building. I finished the 8 minutes left of my work out (what a short work out anyway!). I ran outside (i was in a hurry to get a dog inside---DUM DUM DUMMM--Dawn the Dog Saver to the rescue). I run outside and it's raining so hard all I see is gray. I could have taken a lovely moment to blissfully notice my surroundings, but the water filling my shoes was distracting.

I ran out from under the awning only to jump back under when hail started pelting me on the head. I braced myself and shot straight for my car.

Luckily the dog was fine-- not fried to a crisp from lightening or bleeding from fallen trees and hail.

I find it a good omen. My first day back at the gym and a power outage, hail, and trees down everywhere.

pick it up girl!

i have noticed that my blogging has seriously gone down hill... one of the things on my "life list" it so be faithful to a blog... and i really would like it to be this one. haha.

but seeing as how my internet has been on the fritz for like the past two weeks it's no wonder i haven't been exactly faithful with filling the world in on my thoughts and life .... okay... maybe not the world--i have only two followers (and i am deeply touched by you guys, thank you.)

i promise to be a better blogger. for several reasons.

1) i need to write, and this is a simple way to make me write
2) it's a way to organize my thoughts
3) there's this strange notion that possibly my life could be interesting enough to make a book about, or make a movie about, or have millions of followers reading me!!! (this is thanks to Julie & Julia... which i still have a hard time believing, by the way) this honestly will probably never happen, but hey --it could.

For encouragement on how to make your life beautiful and dynamic as any crazy awesome movie plot read Donald Miller's new book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. it's great.

London?

So, this is a bookish thought and a life confession--I'm considering grad school in London. And I'm reading this lovely book about England.

I don't know what school. I don't know how and I don't know when... but I know that I'm considering it.

There's something about that country that makes me want to live there. Could it be that I am probably around 60 to 70 percent English? That I understand their humor best? That I want to walk in castles? That instead of touring Charleston with buildings maybe 300 years old I want to walk the streets of London that are put down in history books and fabulous works of fiction that have changed lives and inspired people?

It's true--partly I want to go to London because I'm a romantic. Not in the love sense, but in the sense that I see the beauty of life in everything. I'd much rather have a building that has gothic architecture because it was built in the medieval period rather than built inspired by gothic architecture. I'd rather have a church designed and crafted in a country for a purpose and a time and it has lasted hundred of years rather than a church built to look like the church from England so the Puritans wouldn't feel so homesick. Do we realize how much we have copied from them? I don't even think I realize it.

Anyway, not to put America down--we came here for freedom and all. All this to say--I've never been really satisfied here. And maybe I won't be satisfied in London either, but ... I am considering it.

coming home

I have been so far from Jesus for so long He almost feels like a stranger. Like your old aunt Betty you used to play dolls with or something. A long lost friend from grade school, or a teddy bear you cherished but lost. I hate that He feels this way to me. I remember when He was my everything. I would wake up praising Him, read about Him, listen to Him, sing to Him, dance with Him, I would journal and write to Him. I would talk out loud forever and ever with Him. I remember when He was everything to me.

I miss Him.

and it's all my fault.

My friend Sarah told me something very true the other day. She told me that I had forgotten about redemption. I was treating my betrayal like it was my final sentence--like there was no hope for me. The truth is, there is an abundant amount of hope for me. There is hope that He will once again be my cherished possession. There is hope again that I will ache for what He aches for and cry because of injustice and corruption. There is hope that I will delight myself in Him and nothing else. There is hope.

I need to remember Him in all my small moments. I need to remember Him the way I used to sneak away when I worked at Books A Million to read the Bible in the bathroom stall. I need to remember Him like when I used to pull the car over on the side of the road just to sing my heart out to Him and cry. Like how I would hike for hours just to sit in the woods and be in the quiet with Him, how I would dream of what He was like when He was here. How His hair was or, what kind of things he would say, or how He might say my name. I used to be so in love with Him--mesmerized by Him.

He is worthy. So worthy. It's me that's changed.

I need Him so much. I miss Him. I know it's a long journey to get back to where I was. The Prodigal Son had a long walk to get back home--but I know that my Yeshua is already running to me. I see Him over the hill, His arms stretched wide, the dirt flying from His feet, He can't wait to get to me.

and again--I can't wait to get to Him.

graduation

well, some exciting things have happened. the biggest--FINALLY graduating from college. yesterday i walked across the stage at AU, got my diploma, smiled for a picture, and returned to my seat a changed person. i no longer have the heavy cloud hanging over my head of graduating.

but

this changes everything.

what are my goals? where is my life headed? as long as i had that cloud over my head I had a goal i needed to accomplish, a destination in mind, i had somewhere to focus my energy. sure, i have several goals now, lots of small ones. heres' a few--

1. submit short stories for publishing
2. create an art show for Greenville (i've already talked to several of the artists and this should be happening around march of next year)
3. pay off lots of debt (i start my new job bright and early monday morning, so this is in the works as well)
4. make jewelry and sell it (i've got all the stuff, it's just a matter of doing it)
5. volunteer at an orphanage. (i've found one in town and have contacted them, they have not contacted me back, but they have an open house soon, which i WILL be at!! lol) i'm really excited about this one.
6. get involved at a church (NewSpring probably, i want to get involved in a small group too, which could be problematic since my new job will be second shift here soon).
7. advertise myself as a portrait artist and make art and sell it

So, as you can see i definitely have things i want to accomplish. The thing is--i woke up this morning and absolutely nothing made me get out of bed. i didn't have homework to do, a painting i had to work on, some place i had to be, there was nothing. i am not okay with this. i have to set personal goals and push myself to meet them. "without vision the people perish" and boy oh boy is God talking about me right there! without vision and purpose i lose all sense of where i'm at and what i'm doing.

yes i just accomplished two degrees that spanned five years of my life, shouldn't i be content? ha! if you think i could be then you don't know me. of course i'm proud of myself, but there are always taller mountains, bigger fish, a brighter purpose. for now my list of 7 will do, and within three years or so I hope to be in grad school. where? i have no idea. i'm sure that will come in time--because if you know me, i plan and plan and plan and then it always changes when that time rolls around. if i set my eyes on one place now it will change by the time i start applying. i'm looking though, and i have three or so places in mind. we shall see.

i can't believe my undergrad work is done. two degrees. five years and i'm finished.

the "its" of this world

If you haven't read this book you really should.

I read it when I was younger and I reread it tonight. It takes about 2 and a half hours, a pretty quick read.

I am reminded of why I love those that are unloved. It is such an incredible story.

I signed up to volunteer some months ago at an orphanage here in Anderson. They have yet to get back to me, and well, I really haven't had the time to get back to them between all my exam preparation and job hunting/freaking out. I do need to contact them, though. I really want to be a part of kid's lives--especially the kids that aren't loved well. It's something I have always wanted to do.

I think as a person that's who I'm attracted to (as people in general). My heart goes out to the ones I know are outcasted and pushed aside because they're weird, or they talk funny, they are just odd. Everyone deserves to be loved and I want to love them well.

I will contact the orphanage ASAP. I will let you know what happens!!

Money's Roll

So, I must say--money and I have had a really rough time staying friends. It seems that whenever I call on him he's gone--disappeared somewhere. Maybe hiding in a corner, but honestly, he's never there. I look.

Money disappears. I was watching a Michael Moore movie the other night with a friend, and well, it really got me thinking. He said that 1% of the American population has more money than the other 99% put together. There is something desperately wrong with that. There is no middle class anymore. The rich are extremely rich and everyone else is pretty much dyeing just to make it.

I was talking with a friend today and she was telling me about her family's financial situation. Her husband lost his job this year, his unemployment has not yet come through (although they've been waiting since January). Her son has to go to the doctor almost every two weeks. But mostly what broke my heart, was last night she was going to Wal Mart with (pretty much) her last ten dollars and she got in a wreck--totaling her car. If they don't pay their power bill in the next two weeks it will get turned off. They haven't paid a mortgage payment since January. They don't know how much longer they will be able to live there until they are kicked out (her, her husband, and her three children).

This was all too real to me. I dealt with a lot of this growing up. Power being turned off. Phones not working. Not enough gas to go anywhere, empty kitchen shelves. And honestly--it's not because my parents were bad people or because they were slack and stayed home all the time. My parent were out working till all hours of the night. My dad still works almost every day.

There is something terribly wrong with the system of American when 1% of the population is swindling the rest of the population out of money to even survive. What happened to the pursuit of happiness? One can't pursue happiness if working more than 40 hours a week won't even keep the power on. Even the lowest paying jobs need to supply enough for people to function on.

I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that for some friggin CEO to have 188 BILLION dollars in his bank account and for my parents to being going in the red every other day, for the poor to have a 15% tax rate and some government officials and high end financial guys to have only 5%, something's got to change.

All that to say--I really hope I get a job soon because growing up is very very hard. I'm totally willing to work 2 or even 3 jobs if I can to get my finances caught up, whatever it takes. I just need the jobs. God, please, please, give me a job.

The Family Reject

So I responded to some family news today rather harshly. Information was given to me that I probably should not have heard. In the spirit of shock and deep concern I made two phone calls and spoke in tones I wish I hadn't.

I do not understand my place in this problem. I am removed but my heart is not. I care deeply for those it concerns, and yet she is not my daughter. In all honesty I have no say in how to raise her, how to direct her or influence her. I can love her, but with a life that is so busy and far away, how much influence can I really have? It's so frustrating.

It is such a difficult place for me. I don't have my own family yet. I'm 24 and single... and I am the type of person to care deeply for those that are closest to me. I am burdened by the choices of my family. I care immensely to be a part of their days, their struggles and even their downfalls. I want to be there for them, but it's so hard when they all have their own families and units to work in. My unit involves them, but their unit doesn't involve me. Rejection sets in mingled with the removed sense of love I have for them.

Senior Show prep

I have seriously sacrificed all other classes for my senior show. This is ironic because I need every single class I'm in this semester in order to graduate with my two degrees. In French I'm supposed to have read at least half the book by now and in Modern American Fiction we're to have read an entire book--both of which I have not done. I stayed up till 7 am last "night" working on a painting. Today I started hanging my show and soon after I get offline I will start working on more of my show. I have an 8:30 class in the morning, so I'm not seeing much sleep in my future.

My show will be amazing. I'm already so proud of myself. There will be many pictures!

killing

I had to mail some postcards yesterday, so I ventured over to the post office on campus. While they were processing my order I noticed a small box to my right covered in bright yellow paper. It said something about a survey and there were bright yellow papers inside, so naturally -- I reached inside.

The survey was about the death penalty and asked whether students agreed with it, if it was a principle of christianity, and if they believed in it enough to merit the execution of their mother if she were ever convicted of murder. I was shocked at the number of people who circled yes for these questions, even the one about their mother. I only pulled 8 out, but seven of the eight circled yes for all and one circled no for all. I found this very odd.

Personally I'm not exactly sure what to think about the death penalty. I'm not sure what the right answer is, all I know is that it seems hypocritical. How is it right to kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong? I just can't understand how that is justified.

And I know that most christians on this campus would back it up with this Old Testament verse:

Exodus 21:23-25 (New International Version)

"But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise."

But what about this verse?


Matthew 5:38-40 (New International Version)

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well."



Jesus came to bring a new way of living. I'm not sure exactly what that means we should do for murderers. I don't exactly agree with letting them run loose with the potential and highly probability that they will kill again.

I just found it interesting that so many students were willing to kill... even their mother. Has a christian school really forgotten Jesus' own words?

LC's Holes

I have lived with this dog for only a month. He belongs to my roommate. And... I do dearly love little LC... but, and it's a really BIG but, it's a lot of nastiness.

So far he has peed on my bed, through the covers down to my mattress (down through my mother's quilt!!). He has also peed through my roommate's comforter and sheets as well. He has pooped on the floor several times, once on the couch, once on the couch pillows. He has thrown up twice (that I'm aware of).

But the most recent--he had diarrhea ALL in his kennel. All over his bed, blanket, and himself. I noticed it as I walked halfway up the hallway. The stench was undeniable. It was 7:45 in the morning and I had to leave for a french exam. My roommate was asleep, but not for long. I woke her up with the lovely news and headed off to etudie le francaise.

I love little LC...but I would love him much more if nothing ever came out of his body again. Seriously, he even oozes from his eyeballs a nasty stench. I think the only holes on him that hasn't seriously done damage are his ears. They seem to be alright. Hopefully they stay that way.

french consumes me

164 pages
25 chapters
approximately 39, 360 words that I do not easily comprehend.

I spent two hours doing two paragraphs today. I really do hope it comes easier to me the more I do it (which most things do).

stay with me

Okay, so this may not look like much at first, but stay with me.

Today in chapel we had this great speaker, but before that we had an amazing worship time. This girl came up on stage and painted while musicians sang and played. I watched as she painted--me being a painter myself, I was extremely interested. She began with a face, then a robe, you know--the typical Jesus garb. She continued to define features and hands and such (which does not show up well in the picture due to stage lights being turned off by the time i took the pic).

The part that got me was when she slapped and smeared the white at the bottom of the canvas. She was dressed in all black, down on her knees on the stage. She submerged her hands in buckets of white paint and smeared and slapped and smugged the white all across the bottom--so fast it was almost breathless. I don't know why this affected me so. It did something to me that made tears come to my eyes. The quickness of her gestures, the pure color of the white contrasting with the black, the message of his glory and shattered death.

It did something to me, I just can't describe. I guess that was the whole point. I loved it.

the plight of facebook

"Never compare, oh never never never compare. You will have an amazing story too."

Facebook has this ethereal way of pulling you into other people's lives. It's almost like a movie. You see them get married, have a beautiful home, take vacations, do well in graduate school. You see friends you thought you forgot move off to far away incredible places, find purpose in jobs or schools. You see people who have lost weight, you see happiness seem to just spring up all over the place--for everyone else.

Somehow on Facebook you see the happiness and joy in other's lives but forget about your own life (and quite possible, you focus on promoting your life in such a way that makes yours look just as happy as the others). I'm guilty.

I have grown to almost hate facebook, and yet I continue to stay a part of this crazy web of connecting. It is very easy for me to throw my own pity party when I see how beautiful some one else's life is. I get envious of their marriage, their living situation, their degree, the sense of love they have for God, or even their beauty.

I forget that I have my own story! I have my own pictures and memories. Yes, I may not have a marriage (or even a prospect worth mentioning), but I have my life, I have my future, my dreams, my nearly approaching two degrees accompanied by my senior show (finally!). I have amazing opportunities opening up soon--and if not I will find openings for my life to fit into.

My life doesn't have to wait on the sideline and peer into everyone else's, I can pick up my head and decide that even though facebook is a remarkably popular tool that people use to stay connected, it does not define us. I define me and what I do, I define how wonderful my life is.

And by golly!!!! It's wonderful.

dredly confession

Okay. Honesty time. Truthfully I'm not sure what it is about a man with dreds. I become powerless and extremely self aware. My speech gets stifled and my face most certainly begins to blush--but, most awkward is my staring. I can't help it.

For example--there's this freshman at my college. I have no idea what his name is. I was actually introduced one time--and i think i managed to be cool--but now, i have this strange thing. I stare at him with zero shyness. You know, sometimes you stare at someone you think is beautiful for like a second, or two, okay, maybe three seconds. You may steel a glance at them again in a little while or whatever, but for some reason, for me, for guys with dreds (and especially if he has blue eyes!!!) i have this obsession with just looking at them--for extended periods of time.

This guy at school. So, one time i was noticing him in the coffee shop and well, the strangeness happened. His friend noticed me staring and then dred guy decided to turn around and see who his friend was talking about it. He looked straight at me and then turned right back around. I didn't avert my gaze or change my line of vision. It's like an uncontrollable thing. I don't get it. Thankfully I don't meet many people with dreds--and trust me, i'm not attracted to all of them, some dred guys are just weird. but for some strange reason i love love love dreds. i really hope my future husband has dreds.

dumpster diving

It's great having friends who actively check dumpsters because when they check behind old navy and then text you that there are dummies --or rather, busts of dummies!--you can rush right down there and grab three of them.

had to say it

Men are absolutely rediculous. Not all of them--i know that was a blanket statement. I'm not sure how to believe that there are good ones out there, i don't seem to run into many of them, but i've met a few, so i know they exist. i just happen to have mostly rediculous ones in my past...and well present...mmm mostly.

truer words

"There ought to be a whole separate language, she thought, for words that are truer than other words--for perfect, absolute truth. It was the purest fact of her life: she did not understand him, and she never would."
Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant
Pearl pg 10

I'm reading this book for my American Fiction class and this statement really struck me. It is such a true thing. We throw words around like they are meaningless. We hardly even pause to really think about things on most days--flippantly saying this or that to catch a response, or we blurt things out wishing we could take them back in once we see the reaction or hear their response.

Words have power, but we use them so much so often that they lose it.

I would love it if we had a different language--a completely new set of words to use when we were really serious about something. It would tell people that we really mean what we say.

Or rather, how about we start thinking more and saying less--that would be nice, because then, as a rule, what we say would be meaningful, but sadly I don't think that will happen on a grand scale, but it would be grand.