Saturday, November 27, 2010

Tiny Pieces

I know, I know--thanksgiving blogs about thankfulness are cliche, but honestly, I can't help myself. Is there a better time of year to realize all the amazing things you have to be thankful for? I think NOT!

I saw my grandmother today. She was diagnosed with cancer three weeks ago, and as I hugged her and told her she looked beautiful I had the awareness to realize life for her, and life for all of us, may soon change. She is beautiful and strong, a woman that I respect and admire. Life has been hard to her, she's taken cruelty and abuse, and she stands strong. A much stronger woman than me.

I saw my beautiful niece today. When her two year old little heart tells me she loves me I cannot grasp the beauty of the moment, and I long to hear it again, so we tell eachother over and over and over, smiling and laughing. As soon as she is gone I wish she were back with me. I can't help but want to savor every second with her.

My brother's mental health seems to be doing better. He and I joke and cut up as always. We acted out "Feed the Birds" from Mary Poppins as it played on the TV. I love the fact that I can be myself with him, he loves me and accepts me, no questions, no games.

These are just tiny pieces of the beautiful life I have to be thankful for. Tiny pieces that make my life worth living, that make me keep breathing and loving. I thank God for all the pieces of my life that He gives me. Some are pretty and some are not, but they are all from Him, and I am thankful.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

when today happens

Tonight I feel lost for words. I feel lost for home. I feel lost for a sense of clarity and peace and happiness. Mostly, I just feel lost.

A surreal sense of not knowing overwhelms me and I am a tiny leaf--floating down from the topmost branch of the tree. The ground is coming--slowly as I twist and turn, caught in the breeze, wondering when the hardness of the Earth will shatter me into awareness. I can't see past this muddled clarity of life.

There are no reasons here. No textbook for Dawn's life lying around. Every turn is a surprise--for better or worse. That turn is coming and when it comes whether I'm ready or not I'm there, watching the leaves fall, watching them burn, watching them be born again. This never ending cycle trudges on through hope and ashes, and there's nothing I can do to stop this. Nothing I can do to stop this heartbreak, to stop this bewildering tornado of days, nothing I can do to slow the seasons. They come and go as they please, passing me by, staining me with time.

In the middle of this I am still. I am alone. I am solemnly aware that I am powerless. The power belongs to someone else, and I am shaking, cold and frightened in a shower of disbelief.