when today happens

Tonight I feel lost for words. I feel lost for home. I feel lost for a sense of clarity and peace and happiness. Mostly, I just feel lost.

A surreal sense of not knowing overwhelms me and I am a tiny leaf--floating down from the topmost branch of the tree. The ground is coming--slowly as I twist and turn, caught in the breeze, wondering when the hardness of the Earth will shatter me into awareness. I can't see past this muddled clarity of life.

There are no reasons here. No textbook for Dawn's life lying around. Every turn is a surprise--for better or worse. That turn is coming and when it comes whether I'm ready or not I'm there, watching the leaves fall, watching them burn, watching them be born again. This never ending cycle trudges on through hope and ashes, and there's nothing I can do to stop this. Nothing I can do to stop this heartbreak, to stop this bewildering tornado of days, nothing I can do to slow the seasons. They come and go as they please, passing me by, staining me with time.

In the middle of this I am still. I am alone. I am solemnly aware that I am powerless. The power belongs to someone else, and I am shaking, cold and frightened in a shower of disbelief.