better dreams

As I sit typing this... I am at my parents, recently single.

I knew better in the first place. I did, truly. You always know better when you question it from day one. I was side swiped with his overwhelming pursuit of me. I had never before experienced that. I was shocked that he cared so much... cared so much, but not for long.

It was short--a month and a half. Not very long in terms of relationship growth. It's true. There were not many days, but there were a lot of dreams. He helped me dream, and I dreamed with him, scared but eager. A girl will always find enough strength to dream.

It takes a while to get to know someone. To truly realize who they are. I didn't know him enough at the beginning, I trusted him without knowing. I was scared, but went ahead. I followed his lead, don't we all?

I'm not upset that it's over. I deserve better. I know it. I knew it before it started, and I know it now.

A girl finds healing when she comes back to the place she grew up. I sat outside in the woods, where Nicky, Richard, and I used to play when we were little, and just cried. Not because I lost him, but because I had lost yet again. A certain resolve came over me then--as I stared at the square of wooden forest floor where the tree house used to be. It's rugged boards and street signs, the place of my imagination, the birth of my domestic dreams. I am still that little girl, I have not lost myself, I have not lost anything. I have gained a new beginning, a starting point where better dreams can spring up. I have an amazing opportunity to once again make my life what I've always wanted it to be.