Saturday, January 8, 2011

the harlot

I have this problem.

I call it my harlot heart. It's not something I like about myself, and even though I try and change it--somehow it never seems to go away.

Outside of emotion and longing, I know without a doubt that the love of God is the most incredible, amazing, trustworthy, never failing, beautiful love I will ever have. It fills me up to the top and spills over making my heart, and my life, and my dreams come alive in ways I couldn't have ever imagined. It is part of what keeps me content, it refocuses me, grounds me, gives me purpose. It's priceless--and it's mine, forever!

Some days this love, so rich and true and deep, is enough for me. In truth, it is always enough, but some days I don't feel like it is. Some days I want a love story in this world, this life time, so bad I cry. My heart seems so lonely and sad, my dreams unfinished, parts of myself are abandoned by the rest of humanity, and I sit alone wondering if I will ever take part in a love story of my own.

Weddings and babies pour through my homepage. I am genuinely happy for these people. They deserve it, just like I do, and they've got it. They've got precious people to hold onto for the rest of their lives. People that everyday play a part in their story of life, bringing joy and depth, sorrow and kinship. I long for a love story, but mostly I long for someone to be in my life--with purpose, passion, sincerity, and loyalty.

As I live, with part of me waiting--the part that will love like a wife, and care like a mother--I feel like a harlot to my God. I know I could die today and never care that I never married or had children, but as long as my life rumbles around this world, part of humanity, part of existing, I will always long for it.

I pray that the days where the love of God is stronger than this desire will outnumber the days where I feel the vacancy so strong it hurts. I feel complete when I'm not paying it any attention.

1 comment: