Where did you say again?

I had two deep and fabulous conversations today. Both with wonderful friends--Eric and Lauren. We all have similar hearts--I feel.

Well, the conversations consisted of "What in the world are we doing with our lives?" ... and honestly... none of us know.

It's a strange and stupid thing about growing up where no one really knows what the heck they are doing or where they even want to go. We have vague thoughts and random notions... but nothing definite.

One of my friends (Kat) said that I was fearless. I was talking to her about moving to London, and she said I could do it because I have no fear in life. --NO FEAR IN LIFE?-- Are you serious? I suppose the only fear I have in life is missing out on the beautiful possibility of deep and caring relationships.

Right now I'm bouncing between ideas of Seattle, North Carolina, and London for grad school. I have no idea where I will go. None of us do--we just end up there all the same anyway. I want to do what I love. I want to be loved. I want to make a difference. I want to change the world. I want to write. I want to dance, and sing, and be sexy. I want to dare to be different, and laugh a lot. Dream big and keep secrets. I want to raise amazing children and love my husband well.

See... I know what I want to do. Now.... where.... where should I go do it?

Gym Survivor and Book Junkie

Good news!!! I have been going to the gym faithfully (so far!). And I'm loving it. As bad as it sounds -- I love the personalized TVs they have on the elipticals and tred mills. it sounds so information hog or too "I can't do anything without some form of entertainment"... but honestly--I Dream of Genie, Friends, and The Office really helped get me through my hot, sweaty, red faced, breathless hour and a half at the Y today. I could have done it without them, but it was lovely (seeing as how I NEVER watch TV anyway).

I'm just not used to it. College rules your life for so long you forget how to be normal and watch TV and stuff.

So, the gym is good.


On another note--

I have bought an insane amount of books since school let out (and having a full time job helped! haha). The sad thing is I don't have enough time to read them! Which makes me really sad, but I have stopped going to Books A Million because of this very reason. I probably haven't even read half the books I own. This doesn't make me mad at myself. I buy books like some girls buy shoes or purses or dresses, earrings, whatever. Books are my thing. Here's proof.



On my night stand are seventeen books. You obviously can't see all of them here. and i'm not counting the journal on top or the notepad hidden in the back. i am a book junkie. and i love it. it makes my life lovely.

a good gym omen

I joined the YMCA today... again.

I worked out for 25 minutes on the eliptical. 1.75 miles. 200 calories.

I call this a great step in the right direction---that was---until the power shut off and thunder shook the building. I finished the 8 minutes left of my work out (what a short work out anyway!). I ran outside (i was in a hurry to get a dog inside---DUM DUM DUMMM--Dawn the Dog Saver to the rescue). I run outside and it's raining so hard all I see is gray. I could have taken a lovely moment to blissfully notice my surroundings, but the water filling my shoes was distracting.

I ran out from under the awning only to jump back under when hail started pelting me on the head. I braced myself and shot straight for my car.

Luckily the dog was fine-- not fried to a crisp from lightening or bleeding from fallen trees and hail.

I find it a good omen. My first day back at the gym and a power outage, hail, and trees down everywhere.

pick it up girl!

i have noticed that my blogging has seriously gone down hill... one of the things on my "life list" it so be faithful to a blog... and i really would like it to be this one. haha.

but seeing as how my internet has been on the fritz for like the past two weeks it's no wonder i haven't been exactly faithful with filling the world in on my thoughts and life .... okay... maybe not the world--i have only two followers (and i am deeply touched by you guys, thank you.)

i promise to be a better blogger. for several reasons.

1) i need to write, and this is a simple way to make me write
2) it's a way to organize my thoughts
3) there's this strange notion that possibly my life could be interesting enough to make a book about, or make a movie about, or have millions of followers reading me!!! (this is thanks to Julie & Julia... which i still have a hard time believing, by the way) this honestly will probably never happen, but hey --it could.

For encouragement on how to make your life beautiful and dynamic as any crazy awesome movie plot read Donald Miller's new book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. it's great.

London?

So, this is a bookish thought and a life confession--I'm considering grad school in London. And I'm reading this lovely book about England.

I don't know what school. I don't know how and I don't know when... but I know that I'm considering it.

There's something about that country that makes me want to live there. Could it be that I am probably around 60 to 70 percent English? That I understand their humor best? That I want to walk in castles? That instead of touring Charleston with buildings maybe 300 years old I want to walk the streets of London that are put down in history books and fabulous works of fiction that have changed lives and inspired people?

It's true--partly I want to go to London because I'm a romantic. Not in the love sense, but in the sense that I see the beauty of life in everything. I'd much rather have a building that has gothic architecture because it was built in the medieval period rather than built inspired by gothic architecture. I'd rather have a church designed and crafted in a country for a purpose and a time and it has lasted hundred of years rather than a church built to look like the church from England so the Puritans wouldn't feel so homesick. Do we realize how much we have copied from them? I don't even think I realize it.

Anyway, not to put America down--we came here for freedom and all. All this to say--I've never been really satisfied here. And maybe I won't be satisfied in London either, but ... I am considering it.

coming home

I have been so far from Jesus for so long He almost feels like a stranger. Like your old aunt Betty you used to play dolls with or something. A long lost friend from grade school, or a teddy bear you cherished but lost. I hate that He feels this way to me. I remember when He was my everything. I would wake up praising Him, read about Him, listen to Him, sing to Him, dance with Him, I would journal and write to Him. I would talk out loud forever and ever with Him. I remember when He was everything to me.

I miss Him.

and it's all my fault.

My friend Sarah told me something very true the other day. She told me that I had forgotten about redemption. I was treating my betrayal like it was my final sentence--like there was no hope for me. The truth is, there is an abundant amount of hope for me. There is hope that He will once again be my cherished possession. There is hope again that I will ache for what He aches for and cry because of injustice and corruption. There is hope that I will delight myself in Him and nothing else. There is hope.

I need to remember Him in all my small moments. I need to remember Him the way I used to sneak away when I worked at Books A Million to read the Bible in the bathroom stall. I need to remember Him like when I used to pull the car over on the side of the road just to sing my heart out to Him and cry. Like how I would hike for hours just to sit in the woods and be in the quiet with Him, how I would dream of what He was like when He was here. How His hair was or, what kind of things he would say, or how He might say my name. I used to be so in love with Him--mesmerized by Him.

He is worthy. So worthy. It's me that's changed.

I need Him so much. I miss Him. I know it's a long journey to get back to where I was. The Prodigal Son had a long walk to get back home--but I know that my Yeshua is already running to me. I see Him over the hill, His arms stretched wide, the dirt flying from His feet, He can't wait to get to me.

and again--I can't wait to get to Him.

graduation

well, some exciting things have happened. the biggest--FINALLY graduating from college. yesterday i walked across the stage at AU, got my diploma, smiled for a picture, and returned to my seat a changed person. i no longer have the heavy cloud hanging over my head of graduating.

but

this changes everything.

what are my goals? where is my life headed? as long as i had that cloud over my head I had a goal i needed to accomplish, a destination in mind, i had somewhere to focus my energy. sure, i have several goals now, lots of small ones. heres' a few--

1. submit short stories for publishing
2. create an art show for Greenville (i've already talked to several of the artists and this should be happening around march of next year)
3. pay off lots of debt (i start my new job bright and early monday morning, so this is in the works as well)
4. make jewelry and sell it (i've got all the stuff, it's just a matter of doing it)
5. volunteer at an orphanage. (i've found one in town and have contacted them, they have not contacted me back, but they have an open house soon, which i WILL be at!! lol) i'm really excited about this one.
6. get involved at a church (NewSpring probably, i want to get involved in a small group too, which could be problematic since my new job will be second shift here soon).
7. advertise myself as a portrait artist and make art and sell it

So, as you can see i definitely have things i want to accomplish. The thing is--i woke up this morning and absolutely nothing made me get out of bed. i didn't have homework to do, a painting i had to work on, some place i had to be, there was nothing. i am not okay with this. i have to set personal goals and push myself to meet them. "without vision the people perish" and boy oh boy is God talking about me right there! without vision and purpose i lose all sense of where i'm at and what i'm doing.

yes i just accomplished two degrees that spanned five years of my life, shouldn't i be content? ha! if you think i could be then you don't know me. of course i'm proud of myself, but there are always taller mountains, bigger fish, a brighter purpose. for now my list of 7 will do, and within three years or so I hope to be in grad school. where? i have no idea. i'm sure that will come in time--because if you know me, i plan and plan and plan and then it always changes when that time rolls around. if i set my eyes on one place now it will change by the time i start applying. i'm looking though, and i have three or so places in mind. we shall see.

i can't believe my undergrad work is done. two degrees. five years and i'm finished.